What if it were ok to ask anyone anything at any time without having to worry that it was going to blow up in your face? What about being comfortable saying “yes” or “no” to a question without having to defend, justify, or fear retaliation?
We can learn something important from our “kinky” friends about empowered communication. Society paints “kink” in a sordid, scary, and deviant light. My wish is that the mainstream world could practice the empowered conversations of this community around consent and proactive communication.
The essence of consent is that the person is actually capable of choosing at the time of consent and not impaired in any way (i.e., is drunk, pressured, or during actual play). That all parties to an encounter are aware of what is and will happen, not happen, and are a YES. Not just the absence of a NO, but a yes and even better a HELL YES. There is no such thing as implicit consent (i.e., they were dressed a certain way, or they were making out already).
How amazing would it be to play with people who want to play? Everyone on board and in sync. Conversations before engaging in activities when a sane mind is present and not clouded by lust, passion, or need.
Throw in “safe words” and what a world it would be! The simplest version of a safe word protocol is the traffic light. Green for good to go, yellow slow down and check in, and red for stop immediately, no questions asked. Either party can use these words.
That’s the beauty of this, both parties are aware and conscious of how the other person is doing because they care and are paying attention. Besides, creating it together!
Simple rules of consent:
· Must be ABLE to consent
· Conversations had on what will happen before, during, and after
· Complete freedom to choose
· Enthusiastic acceptance
· Safe words as a real time safety valve
What if that was the world we lived in? Enthusiastic partners, trust, respect, and communication.
Consent is not a single conversation but a way of life. It doesn’t mean life will be perfect and there with be zero conflicts. But it is a place to stand. Mistakes will be made; people will mess up. Afterall we are all human and things happen when we are in the throes of passion. The trick is to resolve it as soon as possible, in conversation with the other person, and reestablish commitment and trust.
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